I rate this M so I can write without editing out the cussing I’m gonna be doing. But here it goes.

As anyone whose kept up with my recent News Posts over the past four months know; in November I decided to reveal that I suffered Sexual Abuse as a young child to try and quell the Stupid Fucking Anti-Loli Rhetoric I’ve been hearing ever since I was young. In this case my argument was aimed at the VTuber Community because despite having a warm welcome much like when I started here, I became worried and annoyed at just how willing they were to put people down and call them Pedos for liking an Aesthetic that many of them (Even In The LewdTuber Community) had as their Avatar. I probably could’ve ignored it if I wasn’t already a bit irritated at the childishness I often saw in the community I’d been really happy to step into. Especially with all the stories of predatory behavior I’ve heard already despite not knowing much about VTuber History. I also revealed my Medical Condition of CMT shortly after. I thought I was going to Die. But instead I found a wealth of Fulfillment and Solidarity. As long as some Friends I can really trust.

Why begin this with a situation I’ve talked my Ass Off about a ton already here and on Twitter? Because that was the Start of what I’m considering the 3rd Era of my Art Career. And the end to much of my Inner Turmoil regarding it. So now, I’d like to share my thoughts regarding each Ear, and give ya’ll an Update to my Future Plans.

Era I: Smooth Sailing in Rough Waters

I started my career here on Newgrounds in September of 2019. I had been gearing up to really get the Adult Chapter of my Life going, and after having a great time at a Convention talking to attendees and vendors alike. I felt it was also time I finally start building myself as an Independent Artist. I’ve been obsessed with Creativity and Fiction my entire life, as well as having drawn my entire life and writing on occasion. At first, I was only reviewing other’s work but already people enjoyed my presence. As well as appreciated my Input. I’ve always liked talking to people, and since I have a broad range of interests and experiences I can get along with people of various circles. I like talking, discussing intellectual stuff, dumb jokes, smart jokes, flirtation. I just like Entertaining. And I like people, despite having Firsthand Experience with how awful people can be; I never liked the Idea of completely giving up on people no matter how Angry, Saddened, or Straight Up Disgusted they can make me. I am still surprised at how much kindness I’ve been shown in all my time here. I talked to many people, made some connections, and then realized how Big some of these names were. I had some rough times, including the loss of some pets I cared for, so I decided to take a break. Then COVID hit. While I took a longer break than I expected, I came back and actually started posting my own work on top of commenting and/or reviewing others. I’d been making genuine connections on here, learning a lot, had my First Bit of Internet Weirdness from this Weirdo who made a Weird-Ass News-Post tagging me and others. But I started to believe I was getting a bit Obnoxious and Obsessive. Especially when a Artist I talked to a lot left. I felt responsible for driving them off. Imposter Syndrome really began to set in. I believe I spent my first bit of extended time on Twitter around this time too but I could be wrong (Haven’t Been Able To Get That Far Back. I was still having Fun here and on Twitter. But my OG Fans here definitely know that I wouldn’t shut up about these feelings. I began to really worry about being a nuisance rather then a pleasant presence. And with how much BS was going on in and out of my Life, I fell into a Toxic Trap of Self Loathing. I’ve always had Self Hatred due to my CMT making it difficult for people around me at various points in my Life, despite being shown a lot of Love and having a Pretty Great Life everything considered. Part of why I got so eager with talking to people. And all of this would skyrocket after my Grandfather passed. No matter what progress I made I kept falling back into Overly Criticizing my conduct as an Artist and feeling like I didn’t deserve all the Appreciation shown to me. It’d take a long time to list all the phases I drifted in and out of.

Era II: Repairing, Repeating, Reflecting

This all came to a head in April of 2021. I lost two dogs I loved, both to the Road my parents’ place and my new place are right next to. From this point I took time to both seriously consider the time I spent as an Artist and if I should even continue. Thus the Second Era of my Career began. Where I kept trying to improve what I considered weaknesses in my Conduct and had been getting more Depressed. I did improve in my opinion. But I still felt bad for how prevalent I was. I felt I was becoming an annoyance. And when I couldn’t post pictures on here until I had help from a Friend, I spent more time on my Twitter. To continue posting my Art, give people on here a break from me appearing a lot, and further work through the Issues I had with my Conduct. I was at my most Unhealthy Mindset in this Era. To the point where I had the First Panic Attacks in my Life. In 2022 when I started being on Twitter more, I started to get back in my Groove. And it was much like the Beginning of my Time on Newgrounds. Now by this point I’ve talked to many an Artist. Big, Small, even ones I’ve admired for a Good While. And I also began to tread the VTuber Waters as I’m fascinated by the scene and still want to do it. The Imposter Syndrome that had been building was fading. But my worries on the Responsibility I held now that I’d been getting older and more notable as an Artist had been Plaguing me. But I had been warmly received by the VTuber Community it seemed despite being in Pre-Debut status at the time of writing. I felt like I did when I started again; but doubts, tragedy, and burnout still lingered. Despite it all I was having a lot of Fun. Twitter wasn’t seeming so bad. And to be frank it’s not much different from any other Social Media Site for better and worse. But. Drama over a VTuber Loli Smash or Pass Tierlist began brewing hardcore. After the Internet was just starting to Calm Down from bitching about Rebecca from Edgerunners. When I saw people I’d been talking to weigh in, and mutuals of theirs sharing in the same dumb arguments against Loli Art I’ve heard since I was a kid I Lost What Cool I had left. I’d already been getting annoyed at a lot of this Childishness in VTuber Culture, but given I thought the LewdTubers would be more Self-Aware only to see Hyperbolic Buffoonery there too I reached my Limit. Since it’s never been an Issue here on NG to my Knowledge. I thought I bitched a lot, but being on Twitter definitely showed me how restrained I was. So on November 8th, after seeing this drama build for a few days. After an Emotional Day for me already. I Stated What Thoughts. And instead of getting flamed I was shown support. Seeing as how I wanted this Loli Bitching to end, and was inspired by a friend who was open about her Tramua, I explained how I know what it’s like to be Sexually Victimized from a Young Age. And just because I liked Loli, doesn’t mean I want to inflict that pain on any other person. And I’m sick of all the Moral Grandstanding in the Art World when we always learn of the Real Demons and Victims too late.

Era 3: New Frontiers

And thus we begin the Current Era of my career. I’ve been working on stabilizing my Mindset after that, with the Help of Friends there and my Family IRL. I was, and still am in a sense, drained of patience. I ranted and raved for a bit shortly after while I took a Semi-Hiatus. And through a Series of Serendipitous Connections I made in my mind I reformed my Online Identity. While I can’t change my name on Newgrounds without paying a fee (Which Is Dumb). The redesign and Lore I was fleshing out for my Avatar Character had serendipitously worked with my Outward Angst and various other elements at the time. Too many to list now. So, after rewatching Crybaby and feeling soothed and connected to it all over again. I now call myself Devilman Shotokan. I’ve got a Strong Desire for Conflict and Edgy Delights, but also a Strong Love for Humanity and a Hatred of our Infighting. I’ve settled into all of this remarkably well. And I finally feel like that Imposter Syndrome has faded. But it’s only now in March of 2023 so I feel emotionally healthy again. After what happened I was on Edge. Had a few Big Fights with my Family, even one on Christmas Eve. But after some time to myself, and with Sonic Frontiers’ Story touch on a lot of the Emotions that Course through me in Big Ways (Which Was Released On The Day I Had My “Tantrum”). I felt peace returning to my Soul. I found a lot of comfort in a lot of things around this time. Again too many to list. And had bigger worries anyway. So I finally felt at peace with my Art Career again. Plus there was a lot of Stories that came out since that made me feel Vindicated. From an Anti-Loli VTuber that was outed as an actual Pedo (I Need To Look More Into This One TBH), to Justin Roiland being an Creepy Asshole (Broke My Heart), the Shit that Emi Jones did (I Wish That It Could’ve Just Stayed As Sonic Fucked Emi Instead Of The Story Being Actually She’s An Asshole Who Put A Friend Through Hell Along With Others. This Really Broke My Heart), and all the Harassment of people playing Hogwarts Legacy, especially on the VTuber Side of Streaming. I’m definitely not worried about my conduct or responsibilities now. We’re getting a wake up call on Real Demons, and I hope people will soon put all the Energy they do in Petty Ass Drama into some Actual Causes. Might actually do a lot of Good Things if ya did, ya Assholes.

But yeah, that’s a Super Condensed version of my Career! I’ll probably do another lookover on the actual 4th Anniversary of my Start. But it’ll likely just Flesh Out this review more.

Now on to an Update on things going forward from here. I’ve basically got everything I want/need to do this Year planned out. Both IRL and as an Artist. Starting off with some of the IRL Stuff; I won’t be around much in Late Spring through Summer because I’m going to do a lot of Adult Things I need to get done. I’m gonna practice driving again, help out family with some living arrangements, get my Permit/License, and turn the Front Porch of my place into a Mudroom complete with a Furnace. This Winter got Cold as Hell, and it was really bad when the Cold prevented me from using my Hands too much. So not having to worry about Oil again will be Awesome Next Winter. On the Creative End, I’ve got a lot of things I’d like to get done this Year. I got a List of Drawings I’m working through, got my First Lewd I want to share cooking, and am gearing up to do more Digital Art as well as Traditional. I’m gonna start planning out some projects I’ve put on hold again. And I’d like to start Streaming this year. So I can actually talk and chat to people in a way other than Text in my Artistic Escapades. I’ll be returning to my Roots by reviewing Art on here and Twitter again. As well as various media I’ve experienced. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like this cured all my Issues. But I feel confident in my Future again. And want to continue living this way until I can’t. It’s going to take me a while to get used to people knowing about my pain. I wanted to save revealing the Sexual Trauma especially for when I Retired. I’m not special just because I’ve suffered quite a lot. And there’s plenty of people who had and have it worse than me. And this won’t stop the Pain I have physically and mentally from ever fully fading. It won’t. But I’m ready to start the Adult Chapter of my Life, and spend my 20’s enjoying myself and others. I want to create as long as I can. And I want to learn and experience as much as I can before I die. Making Money from my Work would be Great too, we live well but Money is an Issue for me and my own. Not as bad as it used to be though.

Living Life, Making Art, Meeting People. That’s all I want in Life. I want to Work Harder and Party Hard. And I want my Work to do many things. Entertain, Inspire, and simply Express Myself. I chose to pursue Art because if I can get someone more Pragmatically Useful than myself to keep going. They can Help Others in more tangible ways and make the World better. I also just want to Work for the simple Joy of Creation. Always loved it, always will.

But, that’s about enough on this. I’m ready to get back on Track. Because this World never Relents, so you gotta be Relentless right back at it. I appreciate you all. On here and on Twitter. I’ve gained so much Fulfillment, Self-Respect, and even Friendship doing Art. I’m the closest I’ve been to my Dreams. And despite all the Stress it’s given me, I’m glad it’s played out like this. Hell I just got in my first Internet Arguments EVER in 2022. I’d say I’m doing pretty good. And I Hope Luck shines on all of ya’ll soon. Thank You!